I am sure we all remember the inspiring story of Evil
Kermit. We all sat and watched, hoping and praying that he
would find a home that would bring him happiness. Evil Kermit
was such a touching story that it inspired our family. I
wanted so much to bid on Kermit, but my wife said ?Why in the
world would you buy a washed up star when there are so many
for free in local shelters that need your help?? I couldn?t
really argue with her since this is the same speech I gave her
last year when she wanted a dog.
To make a long story a little shorter, we went to the local
shelter and looked over the list to see who we could adopt.
The list touted such names as Gary Coleman, Jerry Springer,
and Kato Kalin, but we wanted someone who had really known
fame. That is when we came across the Pillsbury YoBoy. We
asked the headmaster about the strange spelling of the name
and she told us that it was just an abbreviated misspelling
not to worry about it. So we filled out the paper work and
made everything official. Well, you can imagine our surprise
when our new ?family member? walked out and jumped in the car.
We went back inside immediately to tell the headmaster that
there had been some mistake, but she assured us that this was
the DoughBoy, he had just over-tanned himself to give himself
a newer, tougher image since being ?canned? from Pillsbury. So
we took him home and soon found out that this was not the
DoughBoy, it really was the YoBoy, a literal black sheep of
the Pillsbury family.
The faint of heart should now press the back button on your
browser because it will take some intestinal fortitude to read
on and hear our story about how the YoBoy has changed our
family.
At first the YoBoy seemed okay. He wasn?t really warming up
to the kids, he seemed mostly solitary. Except for the
occasional curse-word slip, we didn?t even really know he was
around. And then it started. I guess it just took him a few
weeks to locate his kind of people and hangouts.
Our first indication was when we smelled smoke coming from
his room. At first we gave him some privacy but the smoke kept
getting worse. One day as the smoke was pouring from his room
we knocked and asked what was going on in there, why so much
smoke. YoBoy responded that everything was okay he just burned
some cookies. He did bake a lot of cookies but this didn?t
smell like cookies, not even burnt cookies. It smelled like
college dorm room smoke which could only mean one thing, so we
busted open the door and caught him red handed or I guess
technically green handed. We discussed his punishment over 3
dozen cookies and he promised us that it would not happen
again.
Not even a week later we left YoBoy at home for some alone
time as he was still grounded. When we came home, YoBoy was
standing on a mirror that was covered in white powder. He
swears that he was baking cookies but it didn?t look like
flour or dough to us. He said they were Sugar Daddy
Cookies.
We wanted YoBoy to prove that he knew how to bake cookies,
because we really wanted to believe him. So we told him to
take that powder and make some dough out of it. He put some of
the powder into little plastic bags and cooked some more into
little rocks and then he left and he came back a few hours
later and said to my wife, ?Here?s your dough B**ch!?
We decided to put him on solitary confinement and locked
him in his room. A few hours later, we heard giggling in there
that sounded like girls so we went in and sure enough, he had
two sleazy tramps in there with him!
Suddenly we realized that we needed help with the YoBoy so
we sent him to military school for a week. It was a peaceful
week but I think we all kind of missed the little guy. While
he was gone, my wife and I decided to check up a little bit on
the YoBoy and discover some of his history so we could
determine where and why things went wrong. We started by
checking under his mattress and found some interesting items
but no real lead to his past.
Then we checked his dresser drawer and found two newspaper
clippings that gave us a huge clue as to how things started to
go wrong. YoBoy WAS in fact DoughBoy. He had changed his
identity, not to revamp his career, but because he was a
convicted murderer in the lamb. The first newspaper article
read as follows:
Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted
murder. A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit
her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next
to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands
behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a
while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind
her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very
strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you
okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I
am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do, so she
ran into the store, where store officials called the
paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door
was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had
bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A
Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the
heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a
gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to
find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to
hold her brains in.
Evidently after the murder trial YoBoy, or I should say
DoughBoy, faked his own death. The second newspaper clipping
was his supposed obituary:
"Pillsbury Dough boy Obituary" Veteran
Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve,
Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried
in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was
piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never
knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered
him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model
for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have
two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held
at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Finally we looked in YoBoy?s wallet and found a photo of
YoBoy and Evil Kermit, partying together, drinking Smirnoff
Vodka. Now there was no denying YoBoy?s shady past.
Also in the wallet we found a letter that YoBoy had written
his ex-wife Betty Crocker. It read:
?Dear Betty, sorry about the child
support, I know its been three years since my last payment but
I?ve embarked on a new career, all I need is a big steady
supply of antihistamines so I can make my product. Also Betty,
I just wanted to again say that I am sorry I left you for Sara
Lee, but you know Betty, nobody does it like Sara Lee. Give
little Debbie a hug and a kiss for me, tell the other 5 kids I
love them too. Finally, please tell your aunt Jemima to quit
telling the cops where to find me. Signed, Big Daddy
Dough?
When YoBoy returned from military school, we were willing
to welcome him home with open arms. We asked him if he learned
a lot from his time at military school and he said that he
had, and in fact, he brought home a souvenier. He then reached
into his duffel bag and pulled out an automatic military 9mm
pistol. My wife and I were terrified. He we are, parents of
two wonderful children and we have brought a convicted
murderer into our home and now he is standing here with a
gun!
My wife quickly called 911 and the police came and took
YoBoy away in cuffs. We were so relieved, but our relief did
not last long. Only 45 minutes later, YoBoy showed up, still
in cuffs, but the cuffs were attached to the poor officers
?missing? hand. YoBoy was also sporting a very large
knife.
My wife, obviously the real ?man? of the family, quickly
grabbed YoBoy and locked him in the oven.
We called the cops and asked them to come and pick him up,
but they said after seeing what YoBoy did to officer Hand
Solo, there is no way that they are coming for him. We asked
what we could do and they said to call Golden Palace Casino,
that they were able to help Evil Kermit, maybe they could
YoBoy too. We thought about calling Golden Palace Casino, but
were worried about the ramifications of reuniting YoBoy and
Evil Kermit, it could spell world disaster. So we decided the
best thing to do with YoBoy is to leave him in the oven and
put him up for auction. If Golden Palace Casino wants the
challenge, have at it. We just want him to have a good life,
but hopefully far away from us. But one piece of advice that I
will give to everyone reading this ad, even if you do not
intend to bid, you should WATCH this auction so that you will
know if the winning bidder lives in your town?you may want to
lock up your daughters and wives.
Finally, for the potential winning bidder, YoBoy is not in
mint condition?it appears that YoBoy has sustained some sort
of gang-related injury on the back of his left leg.
On
May-08-05 at 16:31:19 PDT, seller added the following
information:
20 hours in and we have 44 people watching, 7 bids, and
890 hits. Currently, iateyourgerbils is the high bidder,
someone please outbid him, I'm afraid he will eat my YoBoy. We
have also been added to weird#. Go check it out, they
have some other cool auctions there.
On
May-09-05 at 09:07:01 PDT, seller added the following
information:
Today my son found out that we might soon be rid of the
infamous, evil YoBoy. He was so happy he was
speechless...that's okay because a picture is worth a thousand
words. Come on guys send this boy to DisneyWorld...keep
bidding!
As of right now, we have 74 watchers, over 1800 hits, and
17 bids. Thank goodness Iateyourgerbils is gone, I sure hope
he/she doesn't bid again (hint, hint) I was getting nervous. I
think we have a chance at making e-bay pulse, but I can't do
it alone, I need all of your help!
On
May-10-05 at 17:40:46 PDT, seller added the following
information:
I received an email from sunandluv stating that she has
reported me to ebay because of the "porn". I read all the ebay
rules and I believe I am in compliance with them. The playboy
shows no nudity, and as for the barbie dolls, I see nude ones
on ebay all the time, and they are not in the x-rated section.
Its a shame that when someone comes up with something fun for
ebay, there always has to be a rotten egg to spoil it for you.
At this time, I have over 130 watchers and I am on ebay pulse
for the weird stuff category. Was looking forward to make
pulse for all categories, but we shall see what happens.
Thanks to all for watching and bidding, and if this gets
pulled, I WILL BE BACK!!!
On
May-11-05 at 07:54:35 PDT, seller added the following
information:
I would like to point out that you are bidding ONLY on
the YoBoy. None of the props are included. I have been
informed that I have been reported to Social Services for
subjecting my child to this kind of behavior. They can come
search me, surveillance me, whatever they wish to do because I
feel I have done nothing wrong. These are merely props for
your amusement. The cocaine is baking powder, marijuana is
celery flakes, vodka was bought solely for this auction, I do
not drink, and so what if I did, its not illegal, the Playboy
shows no nudity on the cover, it stays high on the bathroom
shelf and is used for throne material, and last time I
checked, it wasnt illegal either. As for the gun, what percent
of american families own a gun for protection? I'm sure I'm
not the only one. And as with any parent who has a brain, it
stays locked up where it can not be reached by a child. I'm
sorry to hear that there are some ebayers out there that have
such a pitiful life that they have nothing better to do than
sit around looking for auctions to report and get people in
trouble. My kids have a great life and are very happy and I'm
sure anyone who knows us personally will agree. Also no one
was hurt in the making of these pictures, including officer
Hand Solo. Once again, you are bidding ONLY on The Pillsbury
YoBoy. The pictures are to show you what kind of trouble he
gets into and the items included are not for sale and will not
be sent to you with the YoBoy. After all that being said,
we're #7 on ebay pulse under everything else category. Would
love to make it to the all category pulse, so keep watching. I
will keep everyone posted if I hear anything from ebay or
social services concerning this auction. Wish me luck! We love
getting the emails.
)
